When Corporate Development Distracts You from Your Dream

I’ve loved writing since I was 12 years old. I couldn’t stop myself from daydreaming scenarios and putting them into words on paper. As I got older, I struggled to understand how I could translate that into a paying job; my mom always warned me about The Starving Artist, and the one thing I loved more than writing was eating. Even after attending and graduating college with a degree that would lead me in the direction of being a writer, the pressure to compete financially in the employment world turned my attention away from a craft that I honed for over a decade.

Five years later, as my company celebrates my longevity, I can’t help but wonder what went wrong?

I started my job at H&M a month before I graduated college. I knew that I needed to make an income in some form, and I had previous retail experience from my college years. H&M provided retail with added perks: their benefits were awesome, the pay was out of this world for an associate, and the possibility of development was not only an option, but a promise. As a good employee, I found myself growing into the brand ambassador that they preached about from the beginning. Before I knew it, I was two promotions in, relocated to a new city, and feeling bleak about the future.

I fit myself into the mold of someone who could produce a paycheck, while ignoring my past educational endeavors. It became normal, it was the everyday grind, and I was making things work for me! I traveled the state, opening new store locations, building the brand, and making friends and connections that would last a lifetime. Everything seemed to be going in the right direction. That is until my manager asked what path I would be taking next.

In that moment, a world of hysteria opened to me. I didn’t want to develop with the company anymore. I wanted to develop myself! I no longer wanted to drain my creativity for a corporate company with their own needs in mind, I had dreams of my own. In that moment, I couldn’t imagine spending another year in the position that lead me so far away from what I loved the most.

I also couldn’t imagine how I could make money with an English degree and a desire to read all day. Research led me to multiple options in which my degree would be beneficial, all of which required experience. So I panicked, and have been panicking ever since.

Experience was one of the most terrifying words to me as I finished up my final year of college, and it brought back the same notions of low self-worth to the present. Employers would rather hire someone with YEARS of experience and a portfolio out of this world than to take a chance on someone just beginning. And, mind you, at this point I’m in the same position now as I was then before H&M scooped me up.

I must start from the beginning, which is a scary feat for someone like myself. I’m 27 years old. I feel as though I should be hitting my stride in life and career, not applying for internships and moving back in with my mom until I gain enough experience in my field of study. I’ve grown past asking my family for help. I’m too prideful to take that step backwards from independence.

And yet, here I am. I’m starting off slowly with the hope that this dream of mine can pick up its pace, or at least keep me focused on following my dreams. My biggest criticism from my inner circle is that I don’t try hard enough or that I’m full of excuses. They can no longer say that.

One down, here’s to many more to follow.