Traditional Marriages Could Be a Thing of the Past

Marriage is a tough social construct to dissect. The requirements seem simple enough but, in some ways, I believe that social norms have morphed marriage into a single-minded concept that all are required to exist within.

That’s not to say that marriage hasn’t come a long way from where it began. Interracial marriages were prohibited in the United States until 1967, when the US Supreme Court finally ruled that marriage is a civil right. Although polygamy is illegal, its acceptance rate has doubled to 16% since 2001. And on June 26, 2015 the US Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage was legal nationwide. What intrigues me the most is while our views on marriage has broadened, it remains simplified and strictly based on a two-person monogamous relationship.

Views on marriage or relationships in general are based off what we learn through life. No one comes into the world with a preconceived notion on what marriage means. Family, friends, life, they all shape our beliefs on what is right or wrong and help us to construct a “marriage model.”

If you grow up with 2 moms, seeing a heterosexual relationship for the first time could be mind-blowing. Children who lived in a family with a mom and a dad would be confused by how a polygamous marriage could be real.

My views on marriage, from my first recollection of its definition, were a man and a woman in a monogamous relationship. No infidelity. No outside distractions, ever. Just a husband and a wife working together to have a family. My views on marriage have altered slightly since then. I obviously now believe that same-sex couples should also have that same right, but who was it that limited my scope to solely a heterosexual duo (my mom and dad, the church and Bible, and 90’s TV)? I’m also finding my ideas on infidelity to be faltering. Are we really expecting our spouses to only have relations with us without making a single slip-up? Could I consider holding myself to those types of boundaries for the rest of my life?

But are the other options something that I could only execute in theory?

Monogamy

Defined as the practice or the state of being married to one person at a time, monogamy makes up a greater number of marriages in the US today. It’s your cookie-cutter, fairy tale type of situation. Whether the monogamy exists in the form of marital, social, or sexual monogamy, the idea that only two people share the relationship with no outside partners.

In more recent times, it has been considered biologically unnatural, a demanding social norm, and one of the main reasons that 50% of marriages end in divorces. A marriage-suffocating force, rooted in jealousy, that restrains the freedoms of true love in a bond. But what happened to the good ol' days? What about the exclusive sexual and romantic connection with one person, your soulmate, for the rest of your days? Some say that it’s literally impossible to achieve now. Upon trying to do research on monogamy, I’ve found more scientific and historical facts regarding it than the benefits of the ideal itself.

Unrealistic relationship seems like the best way to describe monogamy now.

Polygamy

With about 50,000 people living in its practices, polygamy is a new resort for those on the other side of the relationship spectrum. Polygamy is the practice or custom of having more than one husband or wife at the same time. Made somewhat glamourous by TV shows such as Sister Wives, and Big Love, polygamy is a subject of fascination and sometimes revulsion. Whether it is polygyny (wherein a man has multiple simultaneous wives), polyandry (wherein a woman has multiple simultaneous husbands), or a group marriage (wherein the family unit consists of multiple husbands and multiple wives) polygamy is a practice that is deemed illegal by the US.

It’s quite a shift from what is considered normal, but to those who practice, it’s a very normal lifestyle that Mormons, Muslims, and other cultures have practiced for many years. What’s important to note is that even within societies which allow polygamy, it rarely occurs in actual practice due to the generous resources that it would require. But for those who do practice, it seems to work.

Polygamy has its own bad reputations, especially with those in the US. People say that it’s unfair treatment to women, comparing them to child-bearing slaves to their one husband. In other societies, older men are preferred over younger ones, leaving the young men without one bride. In those cases, the consequences are violence, kidnapping, and rape.

So, not necessarily the next best option… but it’s someone’s option.

Open Marriage (Ethical/Consensual Nonmonogamy)

The common ground between monogamy and polygamy might be an open relationship or marriage. In open marriages, spouses are allowed to have sexual relations with other persons, but it’s understood that these extramarital pairings should not take on a deep emotional significance that would threaten the marriage. About 20% of people claimed to be in this type of relationship at some point in time.

It seems to work for many reasons, one of the main reasons being the lack of jealousy. In a study published in Perspectives on Psychological Science in March, Conley and her colleagues discovered that jealousy was more rampant in monogamous relationships than it was in consensual non-monogamous ones.

“The basic finding is if you take out the threat of cheating, people have less reason to be jealous,” Conley explains. “That’s important because there’s always been this perception that consensual non-monogamous relationships don’t work because of jealousy.”

All in all, it seems like the perfect solution to the aches of pains of infidelity in a relationship, right? In theory, “the trick is to establish and continually revisit rules to provide clear guidelines for maintaining a monogamous relationship--while keeping them loose enough to encourage growth and exploration for both partners.,” explains psychotherapist Tammy Nelson.

“A long-term, connected, monogamous relationship makes for better parenting and encourages emotional creativity among humans: to get along with someone for many years, you have to learn certain relational skills, including self-control, psychological acuity, patience, conscious empathy, and simple kindness.”

I think it’s all about figuring out what works best for you and your partner. Although it would be ideal for society if monogamous relationships worked for everyone, but that’s not how the world works. We’re all different people who require different ways of life. What’s most important is not to settle for a relationship style that you’re not actually willing to accept. Conceding to the will of another will only breed contempt, but working together to find an honest compromise should work out in the end.