Unrequited Love

WAITING

Twenty-seven minutes past eight and she still has not arrived.

For the most part, she was never late. Every Wednesday at 8:30 am she and I both come to Mission Dolores Park. We walk the trail, watch the wildlife, and listen to the children as they play. It’s the most peaceful and most anticipated time of my entire week. Just being with her puts my mind at ease. And now at 8:35 she is officially tardy, stealing precious moments from my Wednesday morning; if only she knew how exquisite my time is with her.

I was never a stickler for punctuality. Most of the time, I was always late. But for her, I would leave hours early to make sure I was on time. Flowers, chocolates, first-edition books from her favorite authors, you name it! Any declaration of love, small or large, I was willing to do it. The best yet was a surprise dinner that I cooked for her myself. The table was dimly lit with candlelight and blanketed with rose petals of her favorite assortment. I had a ring, not an engagement ring, but a promise ring. One that stood for the love that we would share for the rest of our days. I’ve always made it painstakingly clear that she was the only one for me. She was into stuff like that. She gushed about having a romantic Prince-Charming-type-of-guy and their happily ever after. It was my sole duty to make sure that I could fulfill that role.

Ten minutes until nine; my anxiety levels are reaching an all-time high. Where could she be? I would never call her and ask her whereabouts. She would think I was being jealous again. Traffic. You know there are people who have to get to work, she would probably reply, slightly insinuating that my question alone irritated her. Ya know, jealousy is such an ugly trait…

I never said it was easy. She is and has always been the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen. Why wouldn’t small inklings of infidelity sneak into my head?

It has happened before.

She doesn’t know that I know. I don’t think that I can force myself to even bring it up. Although it hurts me, it would hurt her even more. I just know it.

I followed her one night. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but she called to cancel at the last minute. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t believe her. I never believed that she would lie to me, but for some reason I needed to see it for myself. I drove over to her apartment and parked my car in the shadows. For a while I sat unnerved, wondering if I was overthinking. I even convinced myself that the idea was absurd, and that I was ridiculous for thinking it. And then I saw her at the bottom of the stairs of her building.

Breathtaking in a red dress that fit like a glove. The intent of that dress was to demand attention. So, either she was going out to find someone, or going to give a lucky guy the surprise of a lifetime.

I shake the memories and the current possibilities of her infidelity from my mind. She’s changed. You know that. You’ve seen it with your very own eyes. Live in the present. Live in the NOW.

The now. A cluster of butterflies grabs my attention. They flutter together with no formation, clumsily bumping into each other. Their flying pattern is both bewildering and mesmerizing. The colors of their wings mesh together as light bounces and flickers amongst their designs. A single butterfly departs from the group and floats towards my bench. Specks of golden honey litter the brown wings of the creature. Its warm texture was comfort to the wait, a sort of company to the loneliness that I was enduring. It lands, stretches and flaps its wings, and basks in the sunlight. Butterflies always intrigued me. They start out as hairy caterpillars and make these transformations into creatures of beauty. It makes me feel like anything and anyone can have a metamorphosis of their own. I can’t wait for mine.

My butterfly companion leaves me to join the rest of its friends.

And once again, I am alone.

ARRIVAL

There she is! In all her glory and splendor. She steps out of the grey colored sedan and slides her sunglasses over her eyes. I cannot help but to stare and wonder if she sees me while I’m petrified in this trance. This happens every time; I am in such awe by her presence that I can barely bring myself to move from the spot where I wait.

She smiles and waves at a passerby on a pair of rollerblades. So friendly. It’s one of her best attributes, her huge heart. Her beauty tends to radiate from the inside out. I don’t believe anyone who lays eyes upon her knows the luck they’ve come across. You’ll never see such rare and genuine beauty as long as you shall live, I guarantee it. Her thin frame that I remember explicitly from high school has transformed into more of a womanly figure. I’m waiting for you to grow up and look more like your mom, the boys used to tease. She took it all in stride, somehow knowing that the day that they spoke of would indeed come. And now, I was the one here to witness her grandeur. She is a goddess. She awakens me in ways that I can barely comprehend, let alone explain.

At once my feet are propelling me, moving slowly then more quickly. Before I know it, I’m hiding behind a tree, panting excessively from the sprint to my concealment. I wanted to watch her for a few moments more, uninterrupted by my incessant pestering. She walks onto the trail, closer to the playground that is filled with children’s banter. A small smirk grew upon her face. She’s always loved kids; she’s always wanted kids, sometimes I believe more than obligatory husband that came with the deal.

On our first date, we talked a lot about children. We both wanted the same family. It was as if we were made to be, and I could feel myself slowly falling in love with her for that reason.

I wanna have two boys. I’ve always imagined a little Sebastian and Sullivan running around. Don’t laugh at me, she blushed. Sebastian and Sullivan, which is what their birth certificates would say and what we’d call them when they were in trouble, but Bash and Sully for short. Don’t you think that’s cute?

I thought that it was delightful. I thought that she was perfection.

And from that moment, everything else just seemed to fall into place with us. We’d always run into each other throughout the city. She felt as though it was coincidence, I knew that it was fate. We dated more. We fell in love. Things became perfect for us to begin to build the rest of our lives together.

How ironic was it that distance that has always kept us apart, but I couldn’t help but put distance between us now? She took on a promotion in one city, and I did the same so that I could be with her. The job moved her again. With slight hesitancy, I followed. It took a bit more time to find another job and by the time I arrived at our second home, she was well on her way to her next residence. Our plans were being foiled at every turn. I came up with the solution to hang back for a while and pray that her job sent her back my way. The truth was, I couldn't afford another relocation.

Being more mindful of my career, I found a job before I moved to be with her once more. It was the best opportunity that I’ve had in a while. Once again, fate was on our side. We were both excited that we could finally live in the city together. And we both knew that with our careers being set before us, we could focus on the love again. We could get back to starting our family with Bash and Sully.

And then, like the flip of a light switch, everything changed. I moved, expecting to be welcomed with open arms. I was met with dubious concern.

I live with a roommate. I didn’t honestly know that you were gonna move this soon. It’ll be amazing to have you here, but you’re gonna have to move into your own apartment. We’ve made all the other situations work, this will be easier.

She mollified my bruised feelings.

I can have romantic getaway weekends at your place. How dreamy! It’ll be like when we first started dating. This is for the best. We can save up and move into an apartment TOGETHER on the other side of town, how does that sound?

It sounded like more time away from the woman I loved. What other choice did I have?

So we lived separately, worked on opposite sides of town, and went on multiple dates throughout the week to keep up with each other. A date like our customary walk through the park, every Wednesday. A date to which I was now an absentee.

CONFRONTATION

I would no longer let the distance stifle our love.

Confidently, I shake away all my doubts and step from behind the tree. She continues her pace down the trail, I keep a safe distance behind. Maybe I should sneak up behind her and surprise her! Would that be considered romantic? WWPCD? What would Prince Charming do? I ask myself that acronym when it comes to these matters.

I steadily increase my pace. I couldn’t scare her, she wouldn’t like that at all, especially in front of a crowd of people. More than anything, I just want to catch up her and walk side by side. That’s all I ever wanted, to walk by her side and to have her by mine. She begins to walk out towards a clearing of the park, off the trail, and I know that it’s my chance. I was within what felt like inches of her when he came out of nowhere to grab her hand.

“It took you long enough,” she teases as he scoops her up into his arms. I can no longer move. Fragments of my shattered heart slice as it slides down the front of my chest as I watch them together. Frozen, I try to piece together a legitimate explanation for what is going on, but my mind is a jumbled mess.

Why are they so close to each other?

Isn’t this her roommate?

How could her eyes sparkle for him in ways that I’ve never seen?

Are they in love? Are we no more? What has happened to OUR happily ever after??

Through the blur of my tears, I see that the two of them have turned from their original route and are headed my way. I still can’t move. I don’t know if she sees me, a frozen, sobbing fool standing there pouring his heart out for the loss of her. I needed to talk to her. This was obviously some sort of mix up, and I needed to figure this out.

Immediately, the choice of either fight or flight hits my head. She’s standing next to him. The guy from that night. The guy from the coffee shop every morning. The guy who she shares dinner with every night. Her roommate…

“Hey, you alright man?” he asks. Her eyes dart between he and I. She looks frightened. No, she looks infuriated. “I said, are you good?” he questions again this time placing himself in between she and I, creating distance. Does he think he’s protecting her? Protecting her from me?

I stumble backwards, that much I can remember. My vision starts to brighten more and more until I feel light-headed and everything goes white…

Oh shit!

Help him up! Get him some water or something! Hey man! Are you alright?

No! Don’t move him. Let him regain consciousness. We shouldn’t move him.

Could you at least call for help? He hit the ground like a ton of bricks. I think he hit his head. Call 911.

I’m calling 911 for sure. I’m calling the police.

The police? He’s just passed out and he’s not coming to. He needs an ambulance.

…

Jada, call 911! What the hell are you doing? Why are you just standing there?

He’s been stalking me! He’s been stalking me for years. We went on a few dates THREE years ago. He was a nice guy, but he wasn’t my type. Randomly, I started running into him throughout the city; it was a huge city, so the sense of coincidence disappeared after the third occasion. He didn’t get it, no matter how much I explained I was uninterested; he didn’t get it. He gave me a ring! A promise ring that screamed of an engagement that I never agreed to.

I ended up moving to regain my safety and my sanity. I’ve moved over and over again to get away from him, but he keeps finding me. First, it starts out with presents, and I always knew that they were from him. Books, flowers, candy; he sends them to figure out where I am. And then out of nowhere he always shows up and confronts me about “our never-ending fairy tale”. Always some lunacy of two kids named Sebastian and Sullivan! This guy is crazy. And every time, I pick up my life and run again. I haven’t seen him in a while and so I thought that I finally got away, but he keeps finding me…

He’s literally passed out in front of us. We can’t leave him…!

… I always do…

“There ya go buddy. Are you with us now?” a strong voice cooed my brain back into reality. I blink slowly as my vision returns. Past the few faces that obstruct my view, I see the blue sky. The clouds that crawl across the sky bring a level of serenity to my situation. I’ve seen her once again. And although I don’t quite remember what happened, or where she could be now, I’m sure we had a great time. I guess I got a little too excited with our time together.

I chuckle.

“Looks like you’re feeling a bit better,” the EMT recognizes after checking my pulse, “Think you’re ready to sit up?”

I nod.

Blood rushes quickly to my head and I blink hard to shake the immediate head rush away. Squinting, I look around the scene that I believe I’ve created. A small crowd of people have gathered to see what all the chaos was about. I feel bad that I have possibly ruined the morning for all the park-goers. But I feel much worse that I’ve ruined OUR Wednesday morning park visit.

Now, I have no other thought than to find her. I begin frantically looking past people, looking around people, searching for her. I can’t see her; I don’t know where she’s gone.

“Let’s get you to the ambulance to check more of your vitals,” the EMTs help me up from my sitting position and walk me over to their ride. I’m still looking for her, in every person’s face and every shadow. I search for her in every child’s smile and in every park critter that scurries in my path.

She’s left me again.

I’m seated out of the backdoor of the ambulance truck after I insist that I’m feeling better. I explain that I didn’t eat for the day. I came out to visit a friend in the park and while waiting, I must have gotten light-headed and passed out. “Who made the call for you to come? I’d like to thank them personally if they’re still around.”

“Not sure. The dispatcher just said that a young woman called and said that she witnessed a man fall out at this park and to send help. She then hung up,” the EMT explained, “A good Samaritan I suppose.”

I try my best to recollect the last memory before I passed out. All I remember is her face, she was angry. But SHE called for help. She probably couldn’t stand by and watch anything terrible happen to me. She called for help and then ran safety. I look down at my watch; it was 10:17, 17 minutes past the time that we’d normally end our walk. She would’ve had to leave regardless. She did love me and she did care. Our walk didn’t happen today, so what? I DID get to see her. Yet, I longed for her still.

Drinking a water bottle and staring at my feet, I try to gather my thoughts. I’m completely distracted, once again, by a butterfly. Something tells me that it’s my same companion from earlier. And something tells me that it was coming by to give me a massage, because my butterfly friend had a friend of its own. It was no longer alone and I think it was telling me that I wouldn’t be alone for long either. They fluttered together in unison into that Wednesday morning and gave me more inspiration than ever to fight for the love I knew that she and I shared.

After all, nothing and no one can defy the power of love.